| Looking for some music help? |
[26 Jul 2009|08:32pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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I never really get any answers when I try to get pointed in a direction but I figure it's worth a shot...
My taste in music's pretty diverse, and right now I'm into stuff like Lady GaGa and that sort of style. Dance music, electropop, stuff like that. I'm not sure where to head next though. I've got The Fame and I got the Confessions of a Shopaholic soundtrack, both of which I love.
I'm going to link some music from YouTube - if anyone's got any recommendations, send them along?
Lady GaGa - Fashion
Kat DeLuna - Calling You
Lady GaGa - Lovegame
Jordyn Taylor - Accessory
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| Hmmm... |
[19 Jul 2009|09:18pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
You know guys... I don't really show off much anymore. I used to be a huge camwhore and take pictures of myself all the time. I had a lot of fun doing it and loved the attention. But right now I'm really excited so forgive me for shoving pictures around again.
I feel attractive today. I feel young and beautiful and excited that Eric said yes to meeting up for coffee and surprised that I could buy these clothes that wouldn't have looked good on me otherwise and how an L-size dress at JCPenny's was STILL too big and how another L dress at Rue-21 was too big everywhere except for my boobs.
So one last public entry (I keep some of these public because I show them to non-LJ friends too. It's my one exception to the post-stalker "friends only!" rule) to show off my new look and my amazing egoconfidence boost!
( She's got me like nobody. )
And now I'm done. I just can't help but feel so good.
And I feel like people are noticing. I'm getting much more male attention lately - online and off. No female attention yet. But that's okay!
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[16 Jul 2009|07:26pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
I'm feeling strangely calm.
I don't know. I felt pretty crushed to go through and block all my dad's phone numbers and e-mail info and such. And to go through and remove Jon and Chris from my contacts. It hurt a lot, and I felt lonely and empty.
But now? I don't know. It still makes me feel sad, but I feel like life is a little more takeable now.
You know how some relationships are just too toxic to the point where you're putting out far much more than you're getting back? Those ones that ALWAYS drag you down. I feel like clearing out those has been helping.
Dad's expectations were always ridiculous and I had to watch everything I said around him. If he knew I was bi, he'd flip out on me. Probably wouldn't even want to share any details regarding Mark or Mark and I together. Or my friends. Or anything. I couldn't be open anywhere.
Jon constantly made fun of me and it just... wasn't funny. He'd say "Well you say mean things to me" except my joking around was "Yeah, well you play WoW!" whereas his was "Your boyfriend probably hasn't called because he's cheating on you. Afterall who wouldn't? You look like a dyke." That's... not funny. At all.
Chris was.... hard to deal with. I loved him. But it was so hard. I felt like I was on edge a lot with him.
I think maybe it's not that shit keeps happening... but that I'm not putting up with it. Maybe I learned something from Mark here, because I've stopped handing out chance after chance and started saying "Okay, that's enough" when people push it too far. I guess seeing him stand up for me and tell Dave to just walk away and leave me alone made something click in me but I didn't realize it. I still have my friends behind me when I stand up for myself. I'm not alone. Ever.
Zely had a point when he said that after the initial downness it will probably feel better. It's starting to just a little. Not all the way... but a little.
Anyway... I have pictures. Lost a bit more weight:
( More! )
I now see why my past two boyfriends loved my hips so much. I really don't have a bad figure. I just want to drop some weight, but I love the rest of me.
I unintentionally look for validation from other people to feel good about myself sometimes.
After Mark and I broke up a lot of my confidence went poof, even when he told me it didn't mean he didn't want me, and even when he hit on me and talked about how I was good-looking and so cute, and didn't need breast implants because my boobs were fine (don't ask - that was my topic of choice one night) I think part of me felt like I had to feel good THROUGH him because what went through my mind was "But... if you don't want me and you're not fucking me, I can't be good enough."
Maybe I just needed to get a bit closer to my goal. I'm feeling better now, at least.
Randall and Andrew sure seem to approve! 8D
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| Boyfriend love and housing drama. Woo. |
[22 Apr 2009|07:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 aggravated |
] |
Mark told me last night that I mean a lot to him, and that he's sick and tired of seeing me pushed around and abused just because I don't want to be confrontational or am too nice to stand up against people sometimes. He went on to tell me that any time I stand up for something, or am scared, or am thinking that I can't do it, he'll be there behind me.
God that made me cry.
No one I talk to understands that this is something I've never really had before.
I'm so happy.
So housing was a mess.
I'd asked before it was time to sign up if I should drop out of the group because I might be transferring. I wasn't sure if that would create an issue, which is why I asked Dominique. She said they'd just go ahead anyway, and that I could sign up with them and it wouldn't be a problem.
So this weekend she contact me to say that we have a problem if I transfer, and that they'd need to find someone with my housing points, and there were only 40 people who fit the criteria. I asked, again if I should drop out of it and got NO response.
Yesterday, at almost 5PM, I found out that they went and signed up for a three-person house. They knew about it as of that morning and no one told me.
Why is this a problem?
Open housing registration started yesterday. If they had told me about it in the morning, I could have still gotten a housing appointment yesterday with any luck, which is when I would have been going most likely.
Even if they didn't know there was going to be a problem beforehand, they knew yesterday morning that they were getting something that didn't include me. And no one bothered telling me until Nicole said "So did they get in touch with you?" that night.
It's MORE than just common courtesy to say "Hey, you need to find a place to live next year!"
How the hell is it okay to ensure they get something, but let me find out on my own? They clearly were able to message Nicole to tell her what was going on, since she said she had a message about it before noon. So why didn't anyone contact me?
Fortunately Zach Brown (the guy in charge of housing) e-mailed me back and said to come to his office OR open housing as soon as I'm able, and we'll find something for me. I'm going to go before housing though, because I'd prefer to try to squeeze into one of the last singles in Saxton. I'm going to go before work.
The fact of the matter is it's not cool.
I asked twice, including once after it was clear there was an issue - opportune time to say "Yeah, maybe you should try to find something yourself."
Then they had plenty of opportunity to let me know after they found out that they were going to do something else.
I'm fine with working out my own situation. I was fine if they needed me to go. I was fine if they were gonna have to find something else without me.
That's okay.
But not even bothering to say anything to me isn't. That's just as unfair as if I were to have waited until now to start the transfer process and let it just get back to them.
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| Friendslist cleanup. |
[09 Jan 2009|12:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
I made two resolutions this year that influence this: One is to clean up my life a little, and the other is to not be such a pushover and to stop keeping people around just to avoid seeming bitchy.
I rarely ever do this. The only times I've cut people in the past it's been for personal issues where they really did need to not be able to see anything of mine, or for dead journals.
I didn't remove too many people, and NONE of my current actual friends.
If you were taken off, it's for one of two reasons:
1) You haven't updated or seemingly been around for 6 or more months AND I don't know you personally or in real life. If you do come back and see this, please let me know. It's not a matter of "yeah, you don't update - BYE". I just want to keep things clean and getting rid of dead accounts sometimes proves a good idea since some of them never come back.
2) I have to be honest when I say there are some people who I was friends with in highschool or for a little while after who have constantly pissed me off, been annoying, or severely disappointed me in some way. I spent years dealing with fights caused by the stupidest things, or hearing about friends who I care about very much dealing with something ridiculous, and if there's no reason for me to maintain any sort of connection, then I'm not going to waste my time.
I don't really care anymore and I'm assuming they don't either.
Have a nice life and all that.
This is in no way meant to be passive-aggressive or anything. Anyone who wants to talk to me SHOULD have my contact information and can ask anything or let me know if maybe they are still around and just on posting hiatus or something.
This is just the easiest way to let everyone know at once.
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